Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
