we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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