dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
