Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
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he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
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he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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