He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
