I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
