i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
