Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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