also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
