why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
