You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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