haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
