I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
