Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
