you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
