I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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