It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
