how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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