Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
