Moan for me like Helen Keller
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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