If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
