Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
