Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
