Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
