i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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