doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize