I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
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It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
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Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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