I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
now i know why i became what i already was.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
