Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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