Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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