Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
