I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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