A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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