i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
