Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
