Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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