I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
