if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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