All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
