I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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