Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
