WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
