I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
