Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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