Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
