Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
We named our party play list daddy issues
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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