my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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