it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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