It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
birth control should be required to get into college
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
