we made out on top of his cat.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
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I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
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How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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