you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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