when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
