I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
