so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i love accidental penises.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
