Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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