my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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