the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
